Chapter Five
There was a uniquely familiar scent as he walked down the freshly cut grass that was near the bridge...it was the smell of rain. It wasn't something that could be explained to the untrained eye...but it was something they had always experienced together...rain made him think of her...rain made everything more beautiful. That was when he saw her standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down into the ravine. She looked so small to him then...so fragile...and she had never once been fragile.
"Nora," he called, and she turned around...her face frozen with unshed tears. "Nora, would you please talk to me? You don't have to do this. You don't have to think your life is hopeless."
She could hear the faint tone of his voice but she couldn't hear what he was saying...she was lost in a world of pain and loss. Bo understood loss too...she wouldn't deny him that. But it was different for him...it was different because he still had his family...he still had his job...things to keep him company when the grief overtook him...She didn't have any of that...her entire future was riding on whether she could find a killer and prove to the feds that she was still worth taking a chance on...
"Why do you care," she choked out? "I mean really Bo...you walked away...you just packed up and walked out on us without even trying...to you, I wasn't good enough to fight for..."
"Come on Nora...you're not being fair..."
"Fair...you want to talk to me about fair...Is it fair that I had to sit in a courtroom full of people who I used to consider my friends...I had to watch them sit there and say nothing while Sam and his team of warriors painted me out to be some kind of monster...as if I would ever hurt my own child...I lost my son Bo...is that fair? Is it fair that we lost each other? You wouldn't even speak to me...and you never tried to stop me when I couldn't stay in town...you never picked up the phone to try and find me...It's as if I don't exist in your world anymore...as if we don't exist... and then one day I pick up a newspaper and I read all about your impending marriages...you don't think that maybe that would warrant some kind of warning...or do you really hate me so much that you think I deserved to be blindsided that way? "
"Nora, I don't hate you."
"You could have fooled me."
"What's this really about Nora...I know there's something."
"You think I'm going to trust you to tell you what that is...why should I trust you when you shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces?"
"You said you wanted me to come after you...what if I'm doing that now?"
"Your too late Bo...ten years too late...I don't have anything left to give you...you took it all...and Sam took what was left when he ripped my child out of my arms."
She rested her palms on the edge of the bridge as she looked down...she could feel him getting closer but she didn't dare let him know. It was then that the unshed tears tricked down her face.
"Do you know how easy it would be for me to just step off the ledge...I could be free then...free from all the pain that was holding me prisoner...I almost did it before you know? Except then it was with pills...If Viki hadn't called me when she did, I would either be dead or in an irreversible coma...She was the only one who still gave a damn about me after we ended...I guess it's true what they say...hard times bring out your true friends and reveal the fake ones."
Bo's voice was as choked up as hers when he finally spoke. "You tried to kill yourself," he questioned?
"I know it doesn't make sense to you...the woman you knew valued life...she embraced it...but Bo, I wasn't the same woman you knew...I was so depressed that I just didn't think I could get up anymore. I used to rise above the heartache. You could knock me down but I would always rise. I didn't want to rise anymore. I just wanted to stay there and forget. I know that you understand that kind of hopelessness because you felt the same when Drew died...but for me...for me I think it's almost worse. See as hard as it was for you to lose your son...you got that closure...you had a body to say goodbye to...you could mourn...and you didn't spend your days wondering if someday he would walk back into your life...that's the hardest part Bo...How do you say goodbye to a child that is still alive but you will never know...I have been spending these agonizing years trying to find a way to put my child behind me because I have been forced to live as if he was dead...But I don't get that closure Bo...I can't have a memorial...I can't lay him to rest...I don't get to mourn for him...he's growing up without me and I don't get to be a part of his life...I'm not allowed to see him, love him or even say goodbye...It's as if he doesn't exist."
"He existed Nora...he existed to you...and nobody can take that away from you."
"So how do I fill that hole where my child used to be...how do I go on living without him when I just want to close my eyes and never wake up?"
"Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like your life is that insignificant?"
"Sometimes...sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me...sometimes I wonder if anyone would even miss me."
"I would."
"You would what?"
"Miss you...You don't know how lonely my life has been since you've been gone."
"You are the one who wanted it that way...not me."
"I didn't want you to just up and leave."
"Well then what did you want? You didn’t want to be married to me anymore. You didn’t want to be my friend. What did you expect me to do? Did you want me to stay in town and be used as an emotional punching bag because I’m sorry Bo but not even you are worth that? You treated Criminals better then you treated me. And I didn’t want to stick around and watch the train wreck.
"What do you mean?"
"How can you honestly be this dense? Did you think I liked hearing about your playboy life? You brought more women into your bed then I did shoes. You really think I wanted to watch knowing that it wasn't so long ago that it was just you and me...Did you think I was so desperate for your attention that I would willingly put myself through anyof that? It hurt Bo...loving you hurt more than anything I ever went through...because still loving you after you left me meant you had the power to break me...and you did...when you almost married Lindsay...She was the worst of all...When you almost married her, you might as well of stuck a knife through my heart because that’s what it felt like. Does it feel good Bo…? Does it feel good to know that you finally got your revenge? That you finally did the one thing you knew would destroy me.
" Do you really think I wanted to hurt you? "
" Didn’t you? "
"No… For Gods sake Nora, I wasn’t looking for any kind of revenge. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. The last thing in this world I would ever want to do is hurt you.
"Then I'd hate to know what you would do if you were trying to...it felt like dying when you weren't trying."
"You and I aren’t even…."
"Aren’t what Bo? I can’t even give a name for what we are? I can tell you what were not? We’re not married, we’re not lovers, we’re not even friends anymore. So what exactly are we Bo? "
He wished he could give her what she wanted...he didn't know any more then she did...he had been trying to find answers for as long as she had...but apparently neither of them had found them.
"Why do we need to be limited with labels Nora...we never needed them before."
"This isn't like the last time Bo...I won't allow you to feed me some line that is full of cockamamie bullshit. You won't snow me this time...You can't when I don't trust a single word you say."
"You've really hardened your heart Nora...isn't it lonely when you don't trust anyone?"
"It was lonelier when I expected things to be different. I don't expect anything from you now. You won't hurt me again."
He watched her walk away and his heart ached for her...it didn't matter what she said...he knew better than to think she was unaffected. There was some kind of heartache that was buried deeply in her psych...something far more painful then the end of their marriage...something that had convinced her that love wasn't possible...He didn't know if it was her abusive relationship with the cop...or if it was something far greater...but he would find out...he had to. The only thing he wouldn't do is watch her sink even further then she already had.
He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.
"I need to see you as soon as possible. It's a matter of life and death. I'll be in touch."
++++
Nora was sitting in his office with a cup of chamomile tea when he walked in early the next day. John was sitting behind the desk.
"Since when do you drink tea," Bo asked?
"Since I need to calm my nerves...not that its any of your business."
"Okay lets all just calm down...we need to come up with a game plan before there is another murder."
"What do you mean another John," Nora asked? "I thought this guy had only succeeded in stalking so far?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about...You remember your roommate's death?"
She dropped the cup and her face turned deathly white....John immediately went to her and stopped her from picking up the pieces.
"Nora stop...I know what this is doing to you and I need you to be alert. You are our best shot at catching this maniac."
"He...he did this...he was responsible for...that."
"We think he was."
He paused as he helped her into the seat. "Sit down Nora...you need to breathe."
"What's going on here," Bo asked? Nora was in the middle of a full fledged panic attack so John spoke.
"I'm only telling you this because it relates to the case...Nora's roommate...one of her best friends in Chicago...well she was gunned down right in front of her...She died in her arms."
"I...I can't breathe," Nora gasped, and Bo handed her a paper bag. "Use this sweetie...you can do it...just breathe."
What she wasn't telling either of them was that it hadn't just been her roommate that had died...she had suffered far more then just that back in Chicago...and if they were connected...Murder flashed in her eyes as she looked at John.
"We need to find that SOB and make him pay."
"Does that mean you'll tell me everything you know," John asked?
Could she really do this...could she really tell him everything?"
"I'll try," she said.
It would be the hardest thing she ever had to do but she would try...for all she had suffered...for all she had lost...she would try. It was the best she could offer.
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