Silent No More- Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

There was a tiredness that lurked beneath the surface...A sharp ache that hid behind her delicate smile. He could see it in the way she studied him across the room...deliberately keeping herself at arms length. When he put the phone down, she took a step back... burrowing her eyes into the ground.

"It's okay," he started to say, but immediately realized how much like cold comfort that would sound. "Okay maybe it's not okay now, but it will be. I just wish you weren't so resistant to accepting anyone's help...why are you so afraid Nora...what are you running from?"

She wouldn't look at him even as he spoke...he could feel the temperature in the room drop a few degrees...she had never been cold before...but she had never actually had a reason to be before either. Something had changed. Something in her life had been so terrible that she had been forced to shut off her emotions...the woman who's eyes eventually found his were the eyes of a woman who was dead inside...not the eyes of his ex wife...the warmest person he had ever known. He just wanted to help her...in truth, he wanted to hold her and make all her fears go away...but he couldn't...he couldn't because it wasn't what was best for either of them...

"Nora, please...please talk to me," he said...but she was running for the door...she was feeling the cold panic rise in her chest as she gasped for breath. "Nora, calm down. Please, calm down. You're going to give yourself a heart attack."

But it wasn't a heart attack...it was fear..."I...I have to go," she said quickly, and hurried out of his office. He couldn't figure out why she was so afraid of him...or maybe it wasn't him at all...maybe she was just...damaged... Too damaged to rationally figure out what was causing her so much discomfort.

"What happened to Nora," John asked, as he walked in the door? "Did you say something that upset her?"

"I wish I knew John...Something's going on with her...I can feel it..."

"She's had a rough life Bo...can you cut her some slack...this whole case isn't very easy for her...?"

"But why...why is she so afraid of me? Doesn't she know I would never hurt her...Doesn't she trust me at all?"

"Don't take it personally okay...She doesn't trust anyone...she's been proven wrong too many times...and you...you also happen to be the man she's been running from for too many years...the man who broke her heart...no matter how you cut it Bo...what Nora sees is that she wasn't worth your forgiveness...that's been eating at her for so long that it was much easier to believe all the lies that her abusive ex boyfriend told her...she's suffering right now...and nobody knows how to reach her...this is something she needs to work out on her own."

"But what if she can't John...?"

"Let's just give her 24 hours to get her bearings...maybe she just needs a little air."

He knew deep down that John was right...except he didn't like it...sometimes when Nora needed air, it was when they both suffered the most.

++++

The erratic way she was fleeing from the police station eventually gave way to a storm of intense anxiety and she thoughtlessly pulled the car over to an abrupt stop on a side street that was hidden by large trees. It was dark and raining so the only way anyone would know where to find her, is if they were looking for her...and she doubted that anyone would know the first place to look. Her face fell into the steering wheel as she collapsed in a puddle of nerves and tears.

"Momma, where are you...why didn't you save me?"

It was Rachel's voice...she would recognize it anywhere...even in the dead of night when her baby girl was just a figment of her darkest nightmares.

"I'm Sorry Rikki...Oh God, I'm so sorry."

"Mommy, where are you...why did you leave me...don't you love me anymore?"

That was Matthew's voice...the child she had lost when he was a baby...the child that still haunted her even now.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry little man...I'm trying to find you...I'm trying..."

"But it will never be enough will it," Sam's voice taunted? "It will never be enough because you're the reason your daughter is dead."

"No...No, it wasn't my fault...I didn't know...I...how could I ever choose between my kids...a mother can't do that...a mother loves both her kids...I thought it was Matthew...I thought he was the one in danger but I...I was wrong...I'm so sorry baby girl...I'm so sorry."
She felt the pressure on her chest as she reached for one of her pills...they were supposed to ward off the nightmares as well as the anxiety... but they never did. When she opened her eyes, she could still see her little girl bleeding to death in her arms...the words of her stalker echoing in her head..."Choose which one of your children to save...if you choose wrong, one of them will die."

She did choose wrong...and now she was beginning to understand why...she had never known the person behind the black mask...until now...Sam had never intended to kill Matthew...he would have gunned down her little girl no matter what she did...so why was there still so much anxiety holding her back? Was Sam hurting her little boy too?

"One of these days, I am going to find you Sam Rappaport...and when I do...I will personally make sure you have a one way ticket to hell...you killed my daughter...you won't kill my son."

She was trembling when she finally pulled out her phone and called the one person in the world she had told everything to..."Viki, it's me...can you come get me?"

She hated to ask for help...and it cost her everything she had to make that phone call...but she was a little too distraught to drive tonight...it was better than the alternative.

Chapter Six

She wrung her hands in a nervous gesture when she turned to look at the two men in her life that she actually gave a damn about...her best friend and partner, who had always rescued her from the darkness and the man she knew she shouldn't but couldn't stop loving. She was afraid of sinking into the darkness that once swallowed her whole...but she also knew that lives could depend on what she did next. She couldn't tell them everything...she wouldn't tell them about the worst of it...but she could start with the questions they were asking.

"Lauren was my partner before John came into the picture...we were roommates...When I first joined the FBI, I was lonely and bitter and she saw through that...somehow she was able to break through my defenses and because of that, she's dead."

"You know that's not true," John said.

"John, she took me in when I had nowhere else to go...she was killed as a message to me. If I hadn't been living with her, she would still be alive."

"You don't know that anymore than I know that Caitlyn would still be alive if I had done things differently. I get guilt Nora. But you have to stop burying yourself in it."

"How do I do that when there is so much that I did wrong?"

Tears started to burn her cheeks and Bo knew instinctively that there was something she wasn't telling. "This isn't just about your best friend's death is it," he questioned?

"It's about the reason I'm on suspension...or at least I was until John intervened."

"Are you still blaming yourself for that too," John asked?

'How can I not John...I was plastered. I had no business being anywhere near a case that important. If I had been alert than that little girl...she would still be alive...and you...you never would have gotten shot. How can you even stand to look at me right now?"

"We all make mistakes Nora...I've made my share of them...Bo's made his too..."

He gave him a knowing look, both of them knowing he was referring to his decision to walk away from Nora.

"Damn right I did," Bo agreed.

"But neither of your mistakes cost an innocent child her life...cost your best friend to take her last breaths as she lie dying in your arms...how am I supposed to live with that kind of guilt? How?"

"I don't know Nora...but you need to try...I went to bat for you in this case...but you need to snap out of this trance you are in...I'm not saying get over it...I'm saying put it in the back of your mind until we catch this killer...I need your full focus to be on the mind of a madman...can you do that?"

She took a sip of the water that Bo handed her and sighed. "I can do it. Nobody wants to catch this guy more then me. You can count of me."

"I know I can," John said, as he pulled her into a tight hug. "You are my best friend okay...I care about what happens to you...don't let the darkness swallow you again."

"I won't," she said. "What's next?"

"Do you have any idea who might want to hurt you," Bo asked?

"You mean other then you," she asked, and then regretted it when she saw his expression? "Sorry, bad joke."

"At least your sense of humor is still in tact...most of the time."

She ignored his last comment and turned her attention on John..."There is only one person in this entire universe who hates me enough to start killing everyone close to me...the same person who started this game when he stole my son."

"Sam, " Bo and John said in unison.

"Yes, Sam...but good luck trying to find him...He's managed to stay under the radar for over ten years...I've been trying to find him since that day he took my child...I only came close once...and then I was arrested for attempting to kidnap my own child. All I wanted to do was see him...and he made sure I never got to. Do you know what it does to me to wonder how he is...where he is...if he misses me...I can't help but wonder what kind of lies Sam has told him...he probably hates me by now."

"We'll find him Nora...we will," Bo assured her.

"How," she asked? "How do we find him?"

"Have you forgotten who you are dealing with...The Buchanan's have a lot of pull here...I've never liked throwing my last name around before but I'll use that influence fir you..."

"You would do that for me," she asked?

"I would," he stated, as he walked to the phone. Nora just stood there dumbfounded. How could this be the same man who left her broken and alone a decade before? Just when she thought she had all the answers, life threw her another curveball.

"Who are you Bo Buchanan," she wondered aloud. "Are you this great man who is willing to jump through hoops for me...or are you that cold hearted bastard who broke my heart so completely? Why do you have to leave me so confused?"

"Haven't you learned by now that love never makes sense," John said with a knowing grin. She threw a file at him in frustration.

"Great to have you back Sparky, " he said, before walking out the door. She could have killed him for leaving her alone with Bo...and that damn perfect smile.

Colder Than Ice- Episode Two

Episode Two
Silence

She used to love those rare moments of complete stillness... except now they weren't so rare...now the silence simply made the thoughts in her head more vocal. She thought she was prepared for this...she had taken weeks to think it through...but sometimes even plans leave you numb.

She stared at the ceiling as she lay flat on her back on the bed in the hotel room...this too was just temporary. Everything in her life seemed to be temporary. She reached for the phone in the dead of night...she could have let it ring but what would be the point...she already knew who it was.

"What," she spoke brokenly into the phone, never finishing her sentence?

"I just think maybe...we should talk," he said.

"Bo, do you have any idea what time it is...I'm all talked out."

She didn't give him a chance to respond, she clicked the phone onto it's receiver and turned onto her side. She wished she could just will sleep to come but she knew she would only dream of him...She had never hated the silence so much in her life. The silence made her remember the moment when her husband turned into a stranger.

"You were never planning on coming home were you," she cried into the pillow? "Were you really that selfish that you had to hurt me just because you were hurting too? I wanted to help you Bo...but all you wanted was a way out...why couldn't you have just been a man and admitted that you didn't want to be married to me anymore. It would have hurt so much less than this."

Silence was a woman's loudest cry...and it was what rocked her to sleep in the lonely hotel room when she would reach for him...nobody would hear her pain behind these closed doors...only the silence...and silence wouldn't talk.

Colder Than Ice- Episode One

Written from Nora's Point Of View...Slightly AU in an attempt to fix the wrong created by JFP. It will be written in episode format instead of story format. 

Episode One

Painful Goodbyes

It was a day she never thought would come...a day that was unavoidable now. She stood at the top of the stairs with a bag draped around her shoulder. It was strange to think that there was so much she didn't need now. Tears still burned her eyes but she couldn't stay. He had crossed a line she couldn't stop thinking about. She brought him home from the hospital today. She sat through endless speeches about how lucky they were. She didn't feel lucky now. He was sitting in his chair with the blanket covering him and she ached. Every part of her ached. She loved this man and she always would...but she wouldn't settle for being his second choice. So much had happened to lead them to this point...so much bad. She needed to leave before she hurt herself on the broken pieces.

"Do you really have to leave," he asked her? She was standing in front of him but she was looking right through him. It hurt too much to allow herself the pain of getting lost in his eyes.

"You know that I have to. Do you think this easy for me Bo? It's not easy."

"And yet you are still doing it..."

"I'm doing what I have to do...just like you did..."

"So this is punishment for..."

"I'm not punishing you for anything...you did what you thought was right, despite my pleas for you to come home and be my husband. You were perfectly willing to leave me a widow...now I'm leaving you because I don't want to be anything but the person you would choose over every other choice. I'm sorry if that hurts you but...nothing could possibly hurt as much as you hurt me when you were trying to join your dead son."

"Please don't walk out that door...it was never as bad as you thought it was..."

"Sure it was Bo...you didn't come back for me...not even when I told you I was having your baby...a non existent baby by the way...I would have done anything to save your life but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. And when you were brought into that hospital half dead, I made a bargain...I promised myself that if you lived, I would make the choice I should have made when you left...I'm not leaving because I don't love you...I'm leaving because I can't stand to watch you destroy yourself and me because of some misguided belief that you could have prevented your son's death...damn it Bo...you are not God...and I'm sorry that you couldn't see that what would really help you was love...because I do love you...I will always love you. I just hope you learn to love yourself again before it's too late. Goodbye cowboy."

She stopped momentarily to lean down over the chair and kiss him one more time...the softness of his lips pressed against hers made her momentarily afraid of not being able to follow through...but she did...she was weak in the knees but she forced herself to stand tall and walk away...He had made his choice when he left her to go out in a storm that nearly took his life...when he left her to join his dead son...and now she was making her choice...she couldn't be married to a man who would rather be with his dead son then be with her...It hurt to leave but it hurt even more to stay. She didn't regret the choices she made to try and save him but she was thankful she hadn't made things worse by trying to give him a baby...to think she had almost betrayed him that way made her even sadder then she already was...

"I loved you enough not to try to give you a baby by betraying you...why couldn't you have loved me enough to come home for me."

She leaned her head against the door frame and felt his presence...tears fell from her face as she listened to the silent cries coming from the inside...the worst kind of pain was walking away from someone you still loved...walking away for you.

Silent No More-Chapter Five

Chapter Five

There was a uniquely familiar scent as he walked down the freshly cut grass that was near the bridge...it was the smell of rain. It wasn't something that could be explained to the untrained eye...but it was something they had always experienced together...rain made him think of her...rain made everything more beautiful. That was when he saw her standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down into the ravine. She looked so small to him then...so fragile...and she had never once been fragile.

"Nora," he called, and she turned around...her face frozen with unshed tears. "Nora, would you please talk to me? You don't have to do this. You don't have to think your life is hopeless."

She could hear the faint tone of his voice but she couldn't hear what he was saying...she was lost in a world of pain and loss. Bo understood loss too...she wouldn't deny him that. But it was different for him...it was different because he still had his family...he still had his job...things to keep him company when the grief overtook him...She didn't have any of that...her entire future was riding on whether she could find a killer and prove to the feds that she was still worth taking a chance on...

"Why do you care," she choked out? "I mean really Bo...you walked away...you just packed up and walked out on us without even trying...to you, I wasn't good enough to fight for..."

"Come on Nora...you're not being fair..."

"Fair...you want to talk to me about fair...Is it fair that I had to sit in a courtroom full of people who I used to consider my friends...I had to watch them sit there and say nothing while Sam and his team of warriors painted me out to be some kind of monster...as if I would ever hurt my own child...I lost my son Bo...is that fair? Is it fair that we lost each other? You wouldn't even speak to me...and you never tried to stop me when I couldn't stay in town...you never picked up the phone to try and find me...It's as if I don't exist in your world anymore...as if we don't exist... and then one day I pick up a newspaper and I read all about your impending marriages...you don't think that maybe that would warrant some kind of warning...or do you really hate me so much that you think I deserved to be blindsided that way? "

"Nora, I don't hate you."

"You could have fooled me."

"What's this really about Nora...I know there's something."

"You think I'm going to trust you to tell you what that is...why should I trust you when you shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces?"

"You said you wanted me to come after you...what if I'm doing that now?"

"Your too late Bo...ten years too late...I don't have anything left to give you...you took it all...and Sam took what was left when he ripped my child out of my arms."

She rested her palms on the edge of the bridge as she looked down...she could feel him getting closer but she didn't dare let him know. It was then that the unshed tears tricked down her face.

"Do you know how easy it would be for me to just step off the ledge...I could be free then...free from all the pain that was holding me prisoner...I almost did it before you know? Except then it was with pills...If Viki hadn't called me when she did, I would either be dead or in an irreversible coma...She was the only one who still gave a damn about me after we ended...I guess it's true what they say...hard times bring out your true friends and reveal the fake ones."

Bo's voice was as choked up as hers when he finally spoke. "You tried to kill yourself," he questioned?

"I know it doesn't make sense to you...the woman you knew valued life...she embraced it...but Bo, I wasn't the same woman you knew...I was so depressed that I just didn't think I could get up anymore. I used to rise above the heartache. You could knock me down but I would always rise. I didn't want to rise anymore. I just wanted to stay there and forget. I know that you understand that kind of hopelessness because you felt the same when Drew died...but for me...for me I think it's almost worse. See as hard as it was for you to lose your son...you got that closure...you had a body to say goodbye to...you could mourn...and you didn't spend your days wondering if someday he would walk back into your life...that's the hardest part Bo...How do you say goodbye to a child that is still alive but you will never know...I have been spending these agonizing years trying to find a way to put my child behind me because I have been forced to live as if he was dead...But I don't get that closure Bo...I can't have a memorial...I can't lay him to rest...I don't get to mourn for him...he's growing up without me and I don't get to be a part of his life...I'm not allowed to see him, love him or even say goodbye...It's as if he doesn't exist."

"He existed Nora...he existed to you...and nobody can take that away from you."

"So how do I fill that hole where my child used to be...how do I go on living without him when I just want to close my eyes and never wake up?"

"Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like your life is that insignificant?"

"Sometimes...sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me...sometimes I wonder if anyone would even miss me."

"I would."

"You would what?"

"Miss you...You don't know how lonely my life has been since you've been gone."

"You are the one who wanted it that way...not me."

"I didn't want you to just up and leave."
"Well then what did you want? You didn’t want to be married to me anymore. You didn’t want to be my friend. What did you expect me to do? Did you want me to stay in town and be used as an emotional punching bag because I’m sorry Bo but not even you are worth that? You treated Criminals better then you treated me. And I didn’t want to stick around and watch the train wreck. 

"What do you mean?"

"How can you honestly be this dense? Did you think I liked hearing about your playboy life? You brought more women into your bed then I did shoes. You really think I wanted to watch knowing that it wasn't so long ago that it was just you and me...Did you think I was so desperate for your attention that I would willingly put myself through anyof that? It hurt Bo...loving you hurt more than anything I ever went through...because still loving you after you left me meant you had the power to break me...and you did...when you almost married Lindsay...She was the worst of all...When you almost married her, you might as well of stuck a knife through my heart because that’s what it felt like. Does it feel good Bo…? Does it feel good to know that you finally got your revenge? That you finally did the one thing you knew would destroy me.

" Do you really think I wanted to hurt you? "

" Didn’t you? "

"No… For Gods sake Nora, I wasn’t looking for any kind of revenge. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. The last thing in this world I would ever want to do is hurt you.

"Then I'd hate to know what you would do if you were trying to...it felt like dying when you weren't trying."

"You and I aren’t even…."

"Aren’t what Bo? I can’t even give a name for what we are? I can tell you what were not? We’re not married, we’re not lovers, we’re not even friends anymore. So what exactly are we Bo? "

He wished he could give her what she wanted...he didn't know any more then she did...he had been trying to find answers for as long as she had...but apparently neither of them had found them.

"Why do we need to be limited with labels Nora...we never needed them before."

"This isn't like the last time Bo...I won't allow you to feed me some line that is full of cockamamie bullshit. You won't snow me this time...You can't when I don't trust a single word you say."

"You've really hardened your heart Nora...isn't it lonely when you don't trust anyone?"

"It was lonelier when I expected things to be different. I don't expect anything from you now. You won't hurt me again."

He watched her walk away and his heart ached for her...it didn't matter what she said...he knew better than to think she was unaffected. There was some kind of heartache that was buried deeply in her psych...something far more painful then the end of their marriage...something that had convinced her that love wasn't possible...He didn't know if it was her abusive relationship with the cop...or if it was something far greater...but he would find out...he had to. The only thing he wouldn't do is watch her sink even further then she already had.

He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"I need to see you as soon as possible. It's a matter of life and death. I'll be in touch."

++++

Nora was sitting in his office with a cup of chamomile tea when he walked in early the next day. John was sitting behind the desk.

"Since when do you drink tea," Bo asked?

"Since I need to calm my nerves...not that its any of your business."

"Okay lets all just calm down...we need to come up with a game plan before there is another murder."

"What do you mean another John," Nora asked? "I thought this guy had only succeeded in stalking so far?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about...You remember your roommate's death?"

She dropped the cup and her face turned deathly white....John immediately went to her and stopped her from picking up the pieces.

"Nora stop...I know what this is doing to you and I need you to be alert. You are our best shot at catching this maniac."

"He...he did this...he was responsible for...that."

"We think he was."

He paused as he helped her into the seat. "Sit down Nora...you need to breathe."

"What's going on here," Bo asked? Nora was in the middle of a full fledged panic attack so John spoke.

"I'm only telling you this because it relates to the case...Nora's roommate...one of her best friends in Chicago...well she was gunned down right in front of her...She died in her arms."

"I...I can't breathe," Nora gasped, and Bo handed her a paper bag. "Use this sweetie...you can do it...just breathe."

What she wasn't telling either of them was that it hadn't just been her roommate that had died...she had suffered far more then just that back in Chicago...and if they were connected...Murder flashed in her eyes as she looked at John.

"We need to find that SOB and make him pay."

"Does that mean you'll tell me everything you know," John asked?

Could she really do this...could she really tell him everything?"

"I'll try," she said.

It would be the hardest thing she ever had to do but she would try...for all she had suffered...for all she had lost...she would try. It was the best she could offer.

Silent No More-Chapter Four

Chapter Four

She felt like the exam was another layer of the abuse she had suffered for way too long...Every time the doctor would have to touch her, she would close her eyes and blink back tears from the pain. She wished that Bo would have waited for her in the waiting room but for some reason he was refusing to leave her side. It's not like she could sneak out a window...she was in far too much pain for that.

"You're lucky to be alive," the doctor finally stated.

"What does that mean," Nora asked?

"It means that the bleeding in your brain could have been a lot worse. It could have been fractured. You also seem to have some severe bruising throughout your body but I don't have to tell you that it could have been worse. "

"So what's the prognosis," Bo asked?

"She needs to be admitted overnight...head and shoulders slightly raised on the pillow. If we can't get the blood to drain on it's own, we will have to surgically remove it. No arguments Nora. I don't want to see you end up here again."

"Don't worry...I won't...would you mind taking pictures...I have a feeling I'm going to need to document this."

"Finally something that sounds smart," the petite woman doctor stated. "I will be right back."

When she walked out of the room, Nora turned to face Bo. "Why didn't you tell me that your life was so bad," he asked her?

"You don't expect a serious answer to that do you? "

"You shouldn't have had to cover up so much...you shouldn't have had to deal with this at all. I'm sorry."

She said nothing as the doctor walked in. For a moment, he thought that Nora would ask him to leave but for some reason she didn't. He was heartbreakingly aware of all she had suffered when pictures were taken in silence. When the doctor left, he helped her back into her hospital gown.

"It will be alright Nora. First thing tomorrow, we will have a press conference. We'll get the Chicago police off your back. After that, you and I will talk to John. Everything else will keep for now."

"Thank you Bo...I know you know how hard this has been for me...you don't have to stay and watch over me...I'm fine."

"You're not fine Nora...you haven't been fine in a long time..."

She didn't say anything because she knew it was true. She had even begun to shiver when the light was turned off. She understood that she needed the darkness for her condition but she couldn't help but remember the things that had been done to her in the dark.

"You're okay Nora...it's not real," Bo said, as she winced from the nightmares that continued to plague her. She knew that intellectually but sometimes she truly could not tell the difference.

"Would you..." She paused mid sentence...realizing what she was about to ask him to do...she couldn't do that...she couldn't ever need him again. "Would you call John for me...please...I don't want him to worry."

"Consider it done...You just rest sweetheart. Give your brain time to heal. It will be much better if it heals on it's own."

She knew he was right so she gave him a grateful smile... and he walked closer to her and lifted her bruised hand in his and gently kissed it. "What that monster did to you is unforgivable...but you know what...it's okay...it's okay to need someone...no matter how strong you are. I'll be back. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

She heard the door close a moment later and she let the tears fall more freely. He was wrong. Every time she had allowed herself to need someone, she had regretted it. She would not allow herself to count on him again...not now, not ever.

++++

Morning came to quickly and she rose to find him sitting in the chair beside her...

"Were you here all night," she asked him?

"Guilty...It was either that or John would have come...."

"He's right," John said, poking his head in the door.

"You two are being ridiculous. I'm fine. When have I ever not been fine?"

"Fine isn't a word I would use to describe you, " the doctor said, as she entered the room. Bo and John just looked at each other in concern.

"How's the bleeding Doc," Nora asked, trying to lighten the mood?

"Good news...its drained on it's own."

"Does that mean she's well enough to make a statement about what she's been through," John asked?

"I'll allow it...but she doesn't leave this hospital until she's been examined again. "

They all agreed and when the doctor left Nora braced herself for the interview. John held the camera as Bo stood close to her out of sight.

"My name is Nora Hanen and I am here to give a statement about the shooting of Officer William Perry...a man who almost killed me."

She described in detail the events that had led up to his shooting and held up the pictures to document her claims. John promised to take them with the video when he went to see the Chicago police on her behalf.

++++

John, Bo and Nora stopped at a cafe not far from the hospital. John pushed a file across the table so Nora could look at it.

"The reason I wanted you on this case is because of your connection to the Buchanan's."

"My family," Bo asked? "How is my family involved?"

"There's a very dangerous serial killer out there who is stalking your family...except I think they're a front...the real target is..."

"Me," Nora said. "The real target is me."

"Nora I'm sorry but I think everything that happened in Chicago is related...it wasn't isolated events...it was one guy."

"Oh God," she said, as chills ran up her spine. So much had happened to her back there...so much she didn't want to talk about.

"I've suddenly lost my appetite," she said, as she walked away from the table.

"What happened to her John? And don't tell me nothing because I can tell from your code language that something did. How can I help her if I don't know what's eating at her?"

"You keep coming back...I can't break her confidence Bo...The truth is that for a long time, I was the only one she trusted..."

"Were you in love with her," he asked?

"It doesn't matter...she was never in love with me...it was all you...all the time..."

He left him sitting at the table as he picked up the file. "You aren't wrong Bo. She's been through worse then hell. If you want her to open up to you, you have to prove that you've changed...and you have to mean it...I'll be honest...right now, Nora's not the only one who wonders if you can be trusted. You hurt her so badly in the past. What's stopping you from doing it again?"

"She hurt me too," he said.

"I know...but the difference is that you moved on...she never did...her life just got worse."

After John walked away, he knew that he was right. Something horrible had happened to Nora...something far worse then losing her child...and it scared him...what could be worse then losing your child...no matter how you lost them?

He threw a few bills on the table and went outside to look for her...there was some unexplained force that was making him keenly aware of the fact that she needed him more then ever right now.

"Where are you Nora," he asked into the sky? "Give me a sign. I need to know you're okay. Please God, let her be okay."

Silent No More-Chapter Three

Chapter Three

"Nora, you can't just ignore this," John said. "There's a warrant out for your arrest. Do you know the kind of hoops I had to jump through to get you on this case...please...please work with me here. Let me take you to the hospital."

"Why don't you let me do that Agent Mcbain, " Bo said, as he came out of the office?

"I'm not going anywhere with you," she said, as she turned back to John.

"I think you have to," John stated. "You two need to deal with your shit if we're going to be working on a case together. Lives are at stake here Nora."

"What do you mean," she started to ask but John cut her off?

"We can talk about this tomorrow...right now, you need to set the record straight with the Chicago Police. And I think right now your ex husband is better equipped at helping you then I am."

"But John..."

"Go with him Nora...Please..."

"Relax Nora...It's a 20 minute drive," Bo said.

"A lot can happen in 20 minutes," she said, as she gave him the evil glare and followed him outside. John couldn't help but shake his head when he watched them walk away. He knew how much Bo had hurt her but he also understood that right now, it was more important for them to settle their differences so they could at least stand to be in the same room together. How else were they going to be able to catch a crazed killer?

John took out the newspaper and studied the profile of the man they had dubbed the "Black Rose Killer." He didn't know how to tell his partner that everything that had happened before was not isolated events...The killer was leaving a calling card...and it was signed with her blood.

++++

"Bo, this really isn't necessary," she said, as he opened the door for her. "I can drive myself."

"Except you won't...and we both know it. Now get in."

She would have protested but she knew it would do no good so she simply climbed into the passenger side of his truck. When he turned on the ignition, she looked at him painfully.

"I don't need a babysitter Bo. I am perfectly capable taking care of myself. "

"I never said you weren't...but every now and then, it's okay for you to not be this person who doesn't ever fall apart. It's okay to ask for help."

"I don't need anything from you...the last time I thought I did, you broke me."

"How...How did I hurt you that much when you were the one who stepped out on us...you were the one who walked away?"

"I wanted you to fight for me damn it...I wanted you to make me feel like I was worth something...How can you not understand what you walking away did to me? You didn't even try to forgive me...you let the world think that Sam was right...Is that honestly how you think of me Bo...Did I mean that little to you that you could just flip a switch and go from loving me to hating me in less than a second? How did you do it...I want to know...how did you manage to turn your feelings off that quickly? Why wasn't I good enough for you?"

"Is that what you think...do you honestly think I stopped loving you...I could never stop loving you Nora..."

"That bull shit...Every time I picked up the paper, I see some article about you and one of your many sorted affairs...women you almost married...either I meant nothing to you or you're just a man whore...either way, you aren't the man I thought you were..."

"I don't know what I can possibly say to that...you're not even willing to listen to reason right now..."

"Bo, you left me...you didn't show up in court when Sam took my child...and you didn't try to find me...what was I supposed to think?"

"I didn't know you wanted me to follow you..."

"A woman always wants a man to follow her...she wants to know he cares..."

"You are impossible, you know that..."

"Then you should be glad you divorced me..."

He let out a frustrated grunt before he pulled the car to a stop in the hospital parking lot.

"Are you ever going to talk about the elephant in the room Nora...You're the strongest person I know...but you align yourself with an abuser who almost killed you...why would you stay in a situation like that...why?"

"Maybe I'm just not the person you think I am anymore...maybe I just don't care."

She opened the car door and he did the same...they didn't say a word as they walked to the ER.

Something had happened to her...something that turned her heart as cold as stone...he needed to find out what that was...he was afraid that if he didn't, she would become another casualty of the abuse...he just couldn't stand to watch his ex wife suffer this way...he couldn't stand to watch her drown in a self inflicted pool of guilt.

"I'm going to help you Nora...whether you like it or not," he thought to himself ,as they stepped inside. He prayed it wasn't too late for her to be healed.

Silent No More- Chapter Two

Chapter Two

She wondered momentarily if she should stop somewhere and clean up the mess he had made of her face...but she knew it was only wasted time. She could put on all the makeup she could find but it wouldn't cover up the bruises he had put on her body...the black eye...the scars forever burned into her soul.

With tears in her eyes, she continued down that dark road, thoughts of the life she left behind burning in her aching flesh.

"Matthew...Matthew no...Matthew"

"Let him go Nora...you lost custody...let him go," Sam said, as he ripped the child from her arms.

"You are a monster, you know that? What kind of man uses an innocent child to get back at his mother...all because I...I never loved you...You aren't a man at all...You make me sick."

"I hope that thought keeps you warm at night...because you will never see your son again...never..."

"I hope you Rot in hell, you sick son of a bitch."

She looked him dead in the eyes right before she slapped him hard across the face...She managed a quick kiss on the baby's head before Sam headed towards the door...leaving her running after him screaming..."Don't take my baby...please...please come back...Matthew...Matthew, baby, I love you...don't forget that...please..."

But he never heard her...he was just a baby and he would never remember her...All she could do was sink down to the floor of her too big house and cry. She had lost everything on that day.
++++

Bo was just coming around the corner of the police station when John pulled him back. "Agent McBain," he said, showing him his badge. "We need to talk."

"Can this wait...I Need to find my ex wife...It's important."

"She'll be here soon...She's my partner."

He could feel the color drain from his face. He hadn't seen her in over ten years and during that time, she had become an FBI Agent. How much more was he missing from her life?

"Follow me," he said, and they walked into his office and sat down to wait. Bo wouldn't tell John about the phone call he received...at least not until he could see for himself that she was alright. John wouldn't tell Bo a thing about Nora's life in the last ten years...not without her permission. So instead, they simply sat in silence. Both of them had Nora on their minds.

++++

She walked in an hour later, and they both stood. She acknowledged John with a half smile and he pulled her into his arms for a hug.

"What happened to you Sparky...Did...did he do this to you?"

She could feel the tension in the room as she pulled away...she didn't want to admit to anything here...not in front of her past.

"By he, is he talking about officer Perry," Bo asked, looking right at her? She avoids his eyes and doesn't really respond to his question.

"How do you know Commissioner, "John asked? "Did something happen?"

"The Chicago police are looking for her...I told them to give me twenty four hours to handle it...Apparently she shot him."

"Is that true...Did you shoot him...after...after he did this to you?"

She felt so light headed that she had to grab on to the chair before she collapsed. Bo handed her a glass of water as she sat.

"I don't see you for ten years and it doesn't even warrant a hello...I'm hurt," he said.

"Hello Bo...Better now."

"Not Particularly...why don't you tell me how the hell you wound up in so much trouble...You're not going to be much good to us if you wind up behind bars...or worse."

"He's right Nora," John said. "You are on shaky ground right now with the bureau. You need to give us something to work with."

"You want something to work with John? You want to dissect my life," she cried..."Here's the sad truth...I was stupid okay...plain and simple. I thought he actually cared about me. I thought he was different. Just like every other man in my life, I was dead wrong...this time it almost killed me for real."

John was handing her a box of tissues and trying to soothe her but all Bo could do was stare at her. He hadn't seen her in over ten years and yet...even with the scars on her body, she still looked the same...exactly the same as when she left...Beautiful. He couldn't stop himself from asking, even though he knew he shouldn't.

"Are you saying you were wrong about me too Nora...Can you honestly stand there and put us all in the same category?"

"Maybe I can...Maybe I think men are all the same... stop...stop looking at me like that okay...just stop."

"I can't help it Nora...you still look the same...How is that possible...how can you still look incredible...don't you ever age?"

"I don't want to talk about this Bo...we have more important things to discuss..."

"Oh I don't know...maybe we should talk about the reason you are still so bitter...it can't be healthy for our case...or you."

"I'll be right outside," John said quietly. "Talk to him Nora. You know you need to."

After John closed the door, Nora turned towards Bo, still shaking.

"Bitter...you want to talk about why you think I'm bitter...now why on earth would I be bitter?"

"Nora..."

"Okay so maybe I am bitter...maybe I do lump you in that category with all the men who have ever let me down over the years. But you'll have to forgive me if I don't particularly like the stuff that I see in the papers...You decided that our marriage wasn't worth fighting for...(Putting a hand up to stop him from speaking)...and yes I know all about what I did...you haven't let me forget that...but what about what you did...are you ever going to take any of the blame? Sometimes life isn't as cut and dried as you make it seem Bo...You can't wrap it up in a nice, neat little package and put all the blame on me...you had a role in it too...and I am so sick of men just dancing around what they really mean...Do you have any idea how many lives you destroy when you don't follow through?"
"When did you suddenly become so cynical? "

"Oh gee, I don't know...maybe it was between the time you threw me away like yesterday's garbage and when you hopped in the sack with every blond bimbo you could find...starting with Lindsay...or hey...maybe it was when I lost custody of my son...but you probably find that to be some kind of karmic justice right...that kid...the problem that wrecked our lives...Congratulations Bo...You win...I lost everything."

"This isn't a game Nora...and believe it or not, It doesn't make me happy to know that you lost your son...I know how that feels...I would never wish that on anyone..."

"It doesn't much matter what you wished for does it...because Sam and his ridiculous lawyers got the whole world to paint me out as some … what’s the term they use nowadays… a slut, a whore. Take your pick because I can guarantee you that it wasn’t as bad as what they said in court. And at the end of the day what did that all add up to? That I wasn’t fit to raise my own kid.

" But why? Why would he do that to you? "

" Why not? I left him. I didn’t want to have a relationship with him after you left me. I guess he was just taking his revenge on me because I never loved him… I never wanted him… and I sure as hell didn’t want a life with him. Then again, in this town, who really needs a reason right? I was the town pariah for slandering the great Buchanan name. Why do you think I left? I didn’t want to stick around and give everyone in this Godforsaken town the chance to break me. I didn’t want to have to pretend that I didn’t know when people were talking behind my back. And believe me Bo… I knew. There were whispers. There were crude jokes. Hell I almost lost my job because of it. Who would be stupid enough to stay where you’re not wanted? Where everyone you used to know… who used to respect you… love you… where they all treat you like garbage… like you have some sort of virus that they don’t want to catch. You know me better then that? Scratch that… You used to know me...You don’t know me at all anymore. But you don’t have to worry Bo… as soon as this case is over, I’ll be out of your hair. I’ll go back to living my life from coast to coast and you can go back to doing whatever it is you’re doing these days. "

"I want to help you Nora...please...let me help you."

"You can't help me Bo...It's too late for that...Do yourself a favor and forget about me...Who wants to be saddled with damaged goods?"

She walked out his door to join John and he couldn't stop the sadness that overcame him. What the hell had happened to the woman he used to know? When had she started to hate herself so much?

"What aren't you telling me Nora? It can't just be because we didn't last, can it? I didn't do this to you did I?"

Silent No More

A/N: This story was originally penned as "Empty." It will be largely AU so keep that in mind while reading. (Probably not for Sam fans either. lol)

Chapter One

She thinks there was probably some sappy love song playing on the radio as she drove through the rain storm but she couldn't remember now. The only thought that penetrated her conscious brain in that moment was "Enough." She didn't know where she was going but she knew it couldn't be here. Somewhere in the midst of all the clutter in her car, her phone was ringing. 

"Don't go back Nora...don't go back," she whispers to herself, as she clutches the gun in a shaky hand. There was no chance of that now. She was running from another mistake that could cost her everything she had left. She was running and she wouldn't stop now. Not when her life could depend on what she did now.

Somewhere in the distance, she could see the faint silhouette of a traffic light...she just couldn't decipher the color. "Get a grip Nora, get a grip," she told herself, as she kept driving. Between the rain and her tears, she could barely see out of her windows...Up ahead, she would have to make a decision... which way to turn...If she turned right, she could be headed into the direction of another past she had left over ten years ago...if she turned left, she would be going in the other direction...

++++

"What do you mean you don't know where she is...how can you lose track of a woman who just shot a man," Bo said into his phone? He ran a finger across a picture of his ex wife...he wouldn't let them hunt her down like an animal...not until he knew the full story...he owed her that much...didn't he?

"Look, whatever you're thinking... don't...I know this woman better than anyone...if you come after her with guns blazing, you're just going to scare her...and trust me, that's when she's the most dangerous...let me handle this...at least give me twenty four hours to handle this?"

He slammed the phone into it's cradle as he slipped the picture back into it's locked drawer. Nobody knew he still kept anything from that life. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better to think that they had both moved on.

He walked out into the squad room and immediately all the whispering stopped...he knew they were gossiping about her...a woman that had once filled the police station with light. "Don't stop on my account," he barked. And that was it. One stern word from the police commissioner and every one of them was back to business as usual. It was times like these when he really despised being a cop.

++++

Death...in a word, that was what she saw in his eyes...his cold, lifeless eyes, that bore right into her with a fury she had never seen before.

"You are nothing," he screamed at her, as he jerked her roughly against him by her hair. "You hear me...It's no wonder your husband left you...you're worthless...who would want to saddle themselves with trash like you."

She willed herself not to cry...he was hurting her so bad... but she was used to it...so used to it, she had hardened her heart long ago...why else would she stay...because he was right...on some level she believed that he was right and she had nothing left...she had nobody that would give a damn about her...nobody.

When he slammed her into the headboard, she couldn't help the tears that fell...he was going to kill her...that much she knew...a part of her almost wished he would...She wished he would just end her pain...but of course that was too good to hope for...he just kept pounding her against the headboard as he beat her...and then he said it...the words that had her reaching for the pistol in the back of her jeans...

"It's a good thing you lost custody of your brat. You're a terrible mother Nora. He's better off never knowing where he came from."

And that was it...she broke free of his grasp for just a second...and a second was all she needed...she aimed the pistol right at him...

"Say your prayers baby...I'm sending you straight to hell."

And with that she pulled the trigger...she watched him fall unconscious on their bed...the bed where her blood still stained the headboard...and she ran...She ran even though she was sure she would pass out from the injuries...She had taken his abuse for the last time.

She blinked back the tears as she snapped out of the flashback...she knew they would be looking for her....He was one of their own after all...

"I need air," she whispered, as she let the windows roll down...once again, she had trusted the wrong person...once again, she had proven why having no personal life was better for her...and then she heard the distinctive ring coming from her phone...this time she knew exactly who it was...Pulling over, she reached in the back of her car, and grabbed it.

"Agent Hanen Here," she said.

"Hello Nora," John said into the phone. He was her partner. At least he was until she was taken off of active duty.

"Why are you calling me John," she asked? "Don't you hate me too?"

"I could never hate you and you know that...I'm giving you a chance to prove yourself to the agency...are you interested?"

"Of course I'm interested," she said, a little too fast. "I need to get the hell out of this town anyways...where's the case?"

"Llanview," he said...and she froze. She guessed she should have expected it. She hadn't been back there since she left it ten years ago and yet...some days it felt like she hadn't left at all.

"The case," she found herself asking...is it..."

"Yes...it involves him Nora...It involves your ex husband...you're going to have to work with him...will that be a problem for you?"

She could have told him the truth...which is that seeing Bo Buchanan again was sure to affect her ability to do anything rationally...but that wasn't the way to get her on the case...and truthfully, she had been a coward for far too long...Maybe facing him would show her how to be strong again...Maybe it was her ticket back to who she used to be... instead of the shell she walked around in now...the shell that she hated with every fiber of her being...

"I need this case John...I can do it," she found herself saying.

"That's what I thought...meet me here as soon as you can...you know the place."

"I do," she said, and hung up the phone. She couldn't help wondering if the police station still looked the same...but more then that...she wondered if he did...She could deny it all she wanted but her heart was still in knots just by the mention of his name...How would she ever be able to do this?

"You have no choice Nora...you've run out of options...this is your last chance...you can do it...you can."

She took a few deep breaths and turned the car back on...Her decision had been made for her...She was headed back to Llanview.