Silent No More- Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Her hands were shaking when she pulled one away from her head...crimson red liquid now saturating her fingers. She didn't know what to do. She was completely frozen. She stared at the phone lying on the ground...years ago, she would have known exactly who to call...but now...now she was on her own...completely and utterly on her own. She reached for the phone...the one that was shattered in pieces on the ground...she would worry about that later...Running never felt so essential to her.

She ran even as her legs began to feel like there was a liquid poison coursing through her...even as her tears got lost in the mix of the rain and her injuries. She ran until it was no longer possible to do so. When she looked up and heard the sound of a baby crying...HER baby...her little boy.

"Stop...stop it...please just stop it," she screamed. "I know you're not here...I know I'm not going crazy."

She covered her ears with hands that were soaked in blood...the blood from her best friend Lauren. Her roommate...her partner. And she collapsed. She collapsed somewhere down the road when she could no longer drown out the sounds of Lauren's laughter or Matthew's tears.

Maybe she really was going crazy...

She shot up from the bed screaming...drenched in sweat...shaking in terror. Viki was at her side in less than a minute. "Its okay Sweetheart. You just had a bad dream. It's okay."

"It's not okay Viki," she sobbed into her shoulder. "It's not okay because it happened. Because I saw Lauren die right in front of me. I heard Matthew cry. And that wasn't even the worst of it."

They both knew the words she left unspoken...the words that would speak of a mothers grief...the grief of holding her dying daughter in her arms after she had been gunned down in her name. What could Viki do but hold her until the cries subsided and she slipped back into a restless sleep...there was no way to console someone who had lost so much...because when you lose a child, you never get over it.

Viki pulled the blanket over her and climbed into bed next to her...her arms slipping around her waist as she held her tight. "You sleep now. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again. I promise."

They both knew it was a promise she couldn't keep but somehow it made both of them feel a little less useless when she said it. At the very least, she hoped that Nora would be able to let sleep come until morning.

++++

He sat in the darkness in what had once been the nursery they had planned for Matthew. He had never been able to part with the house...no matter how many times he put it on the market. He was drinking another bottle of straight up Vodka. He wanted to be numb tonight. He wanted to be drunk enough to forget the way she looked when she was coming undone. He wanted to forget the memories that still plagued him...memories from a different time...memories when she would peel off her dress and he would hold her so tight he could feel her breath against his neck...skin on skin...lips on lips...those moments when she was his to make love to...moments when they would love the night away.

He hadn't been back here since she left...Since he had thrown her out of his life and never looked back. Except now that he was here, he almost wished he hadn't come back. He was wandering from room to room...life as they left it still exactly as they left it. He could almost believe she was somewhere in this house...waiting in a tub of bubbles...standing under a hot faucet waiting for him to join her...lying in their bed with nothing on...

He picked up a photograph from the nightstand...the one they had taken when they first learned she was pregnant...he had believed they were happy then but they couldn't have been...she had been lying even then...

"I hate you," he yelled..."I hate you so much." And he hurled the picture across the room. He took another sip from the bottle of Vodka and then began to tear the house apart piece by piece. It hurt too much to love her...To hate her so much and still be so in love with her...he would destroy every trace of evidence...he would destroy the memories that still lived in this house. It was the only chance he still had to survive the tornado that had ripped through their lives... the tornado that had just walked back in...because right now, Nora Hanen was the epitome of a living, breathing, tornado...and if he didn't find some way to find shelter through the storm, she would take everything he had left.

The question that still haunted him now was whether he wanted to survive her or not...because if he let her in again, she would surely shatter more than his heart. He didn't think he could handle losing her a second time.

Silent No More- Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

She pulled her legs up to her chest as she buried her head against the steering wheel. She didn't seem to know how to make the tears stop.

"You're going to wish you hadn't done that Bitch...You will know pain like never before."

"Go to hell," she raged, as she spit in his face.

He hit her...he hit her hard...She never even flinched as she bit back tears.

"Only a coward hits a woman...an even bigger coward does it with a mask over his face."

"You better watch it or that mouth of yours will get you in trouble."

"What's the matter, did I hit a nerve? Deal with it. I'm not going to make this easy for you."

"You're the one who wanted to take your daughter's place...now who's the coward."

"At least I don't hide behind a mask...I don't take my disgusting need to be in power out on people who aren't as strong as I am...People like you are the reason the death penalty was created...you deserve to be slaughtered for even thinking you have the right to breathe the same air as good, decent people."

"There is nothing decent about YOU...and you are going to learn to show some respect..."

"Make me."

"Still the fighter huh," he said, as he caressed a gloved hand over her face? "I'd be careful sweetheart...sooner or later, someone will knock that fight out of you."

"And you think it will be you?"

"If I have to...stranger things have happened."

"Don't go making promises you can't keep...I know how to make you hurt."

"Not if I hurt you first."

Tears streamed from her face as she heard the knocking on the car door. She was rocking back and forth as the cold terror rendered her immobile.

"No...No don't...don't touch me...please...please don't touch me."
She was back in that place again...the place where she could feel the cold, hard floor beneath her as he tossed her to the ground. She was looking up at him with dark, intense eyes...pleading for him to spare her life...He had a mask on but she knew even then that he was someone she had once known...someone with eyes so empty and hard that they sent terror coursing through her veins.

"Don't worry sweetie...I'm not going to kill you...although maybe you should use that mouth of yours to convince me why I shouldn't."

"I will never beg you for anything...you can take everything away from me but you will never break me...you will never take my dignity."

"We'll see about that. Not that you have much to begin with."

"You disgusting piece of garbage."

"Now Now...you know better then to talk like that...play nice now darling."

"I am NOT your darling...I am not your ANYTHING."

"Fine...then you can be my whore..."

"Nora...Nora, sweetheart, it's okay..."

She felt the hand on her shoulder and she jerked away in defense..."Please don't hurt me...please."

"Sweetie it's me...It's Viki...You're safe now...You're safe."

"Viki," she asked, as tears cascaded down her face. "Viki, is it really you?"

"It's me...Sweetie, take my hand...Can you do that? Can you give me your hand?"

She hesitated briefly as the pain from the memory filled her shattered heart with impossibilities... but eventually she found the strength to take her best friend's hand and they walked to her car. When they were driving away and Nora was seated securely in the passenger seat, Viki asked her the tough questions.

"You were thinking about your rape weren't you?"

"Tell me it gets better Viki...tell me that the pain goes away..."

"I wish I could...I can only tell you that you learn to survive...you did a very brave thing Nora...you saved your daughters life...you took the attack that had been meant for her...you made her run to save herself...you are a wonderful mother."

"It didn't matter Viki...he still found her...except he didn't rape her this time...this time he killed her...and he made me choose...he made me choose which child to save...he's a monster Viki...every bad thing he put my kids through was done for the sole purpose of destroying me...and he succeeded...one of my children is dead and the other..."

"He did not succeed Nora...he didn't break you..."

"I am not the same woman I was when I left Viki...I still have to struggle every day to get up and keep breathing...I still have those moments when I really want to swallow that bottle of pills and never wake up...he didn't break me but he sure as hell sent me into a living nightmare...this isn't living Viki...and I'm tired of hurting..."

"I know you are...and nobody understands the pain of losing a child more then I do...but you can't give in to those demons...if you do...Nora, you'd be letting him win."

"So how do I do this...how do I live every day without my children...I can't even accept Rachel's death...I still wake up every morning and call her...it always goes to voice mail and one day I know that Hank will get tired of placating me and shut off her phone...what am I going to do then...what am I going to do when I can no longer pretend that my little girl is just on a vacation...and what about my son...am I ever going to see him again...the last memory I have is when he was a little baby...he doesn't even know me Viki...who knows what lies that bastard is spreading...How is it fair that he gets to spend every day of his life with MY son...How is it fair that Matthew grows up without his mom...grows up thinking that I didn't want him...that I abandoned him..."

She pulled the car into her driveway and stopped the car...She cupped Nora's face in her hands as she looked at her. "This isn't fair Nora. None of this is fair. It is bad enough when your child dies like my Megan did...but when they are murdered like Rachel...when they suffer...I understand how you feel okay...but you haven't lost Matthew yet...please don't give up on him...please..."

She reached into her pocket and pulled out a photo..."Now you'll have a new picture of him to fill your mind...focus on that...Focus on bringing Sam Rappaport to his knees..."

"Thank you Viki...Thank you for being the best friend I ever had...."

"You don't have to thank me for that...you know that I would do anything for you...I love you."

"I love you too. "

Viki got out of the car and went to open Nora's door. Her best friend was in more misery then she had ever seen her in before. She wasn't taking any chances. She would stay with her tonight. She wasn't giving her an option.

++++

Rex walked into the diner and sat across from his friend and mentor, who looked about ready to explode.

"What is it...no offense but you look like hell."

"I need you to do a job for me...and the timing is critical."

"Sounds pretty serious."

"It is...I need to find out where Sam Rappaport is hiding."

"Isn't that the guy that..."

"Please don't go there Rex...You and everybody else knows what happened. I don't need a reminder."

"Okay...Then why are you so determined to find him."

"Because he stole Nora's son..."

"Stole?"

"Rex, she lost custody of her kid...Sam cheated to get him...he used things that never should have been used...things that weren't true...and Nora, she's..."

"Wait...you've seen her...and how is it...after all these years..."

"How is what?"

"Don't play dumb with me Bo...It doesn't suit you..."

"Look, my personal life...or lack thereof... is not up for discussion...I'm trying to find her son..."

"Because you still have a thing for her..."

"Rex..."

"Bo, you know that I love you but...we both know that you never got over her...why are you so afraid of admitting that?"

"Maybe because her betrayal just about broke me...I'm not doing this for any reason other than the fact that she didn't deserve to lose her kid..."

"Then you are living in denial-Ville. You can't chase away love... even if you know it's bad for you...though I'm not entirely convinced that it is."

"Are you going to do this for me or not?"

"I'll do it...but sooner or later, you two are going to have to deal with your past...This town is too small for you to keep avoiding each other. It's going to boil over."

Rex walked away and Bo stared into his empty glass of Beer...and ordered another. One thing that seeing Nora again had done for him was bring up all those old embers he wanted to forget...embers that even now still burned in his mind...He couldn't forget her even if he tried.

Silent No More- Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

There was a tiredness that lurked beneath the surface...A sharp ache that hid behind her delicate smile. He could see it in the way she studied him across the room...deliberately keeping herself at arms length. When he put the phone down, she took a step back... burrowing her eyes into the ground.

"It's okay," he started to say, but immediately realized how much like cold comfort that would sound. "Okay maybe it's not okay now, but it will be. I just wish you weren't so resistant to accepting anyone's help...why are you so afraid Nora...what are you running from?"

She wouldn't look at him even as he spoke...he could feel the temperature in the room drop a few degrees...she had never been cold before...but she had never actually had a reason to be before either. Something had changed. Something in her life had been so terrible that she had been forced to shut off her emotions...the woman who's eyes eventually found his were the eyes of a woman who was dead inside...not the eyes of his ex wife...the warmest person he had ever known. He just wanted to help her...in truth, he wanted to hold her and make all her fears go away...but he couldn't...he couldn't because it wasn't what was best for either of them...

"Nora, please...please talk to me," he said...but she was running for the door...she was feeling the cold panic rise in her chest as she gasped for breath. "Nora, calm down. Please, calm down. You're going to give yourself a heart attack."

But it wasn't a heart attack...it was fear..."I...I have to go," she said quickly, and hurried out of his office. He couldn't figure out why she was so afraid of him...or maybe it wasn't him at all...maybe she was just...damaged... Too damaged to rationally figure out what was causing her so much discomfort.

"What happened to Nora," John asked, as he walked in the door? "Did you say something that upset her?"

"I wish I knew John...Something's going on with her...I can feel it..."

"She's had a rough life Bo...can you cut her some slack...this whole case isn't very easy for her...?"

"But why...why is she so afraid of me? Doesn't she know I would never hurt her...Doesn't she trust me at all?"

"Don't take it personally okay...She doesn't trust anyone...she's been proven wrong too many times...and you...you also happen to be the man she's been running from for too many years...the man who broke her heart...no matter how you cut it Bo...what Nora sees is that she wasn't worth your forgiveness...that's been eating at her for so long that it was much easier to believe all the lies that her abusive ex boyfriend told her...she's suffering right now...and nobody knows how to reach her...this is something she needs to work out on her own."

"But what if she can't John...?"

"Let's just give her 24 hours to get her bearings...maybe she just needs a little air."

He knew deep down that John was right...except he didn't like it...sometimes when Nora needed air, it was when they both suffered the most.

++++

The erratic way she was fleeing from the police station eventually gave way to a storm of intense anxiety and she thoughtlessly pulled the car over to an abrupt stop on a side street that was hidden by large trees. It was dark and raining so the only way anyone would know where to find her, is if they were looking for her...and she doubted that anyone would know the first place to look. Her face fell into the steering wheel as she collapsed in a puddle of nerves and tears.

"Momma, where are you...why didn't you save me?"

It was Rachel's voice...she would recognize it anywhere...even in the dead of night when her baby girl was just a figment of her darkest nightmares.

"I'm Sorry Rikki...Oh God, I'm so sorry."

"Mommy, where are you...why did you leave me...don't you love me anymore?"

That was Matthew's voice...the child she had lost when he was a baby...the child that still haunted her even now.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry little man...I'm trying to find you...I'm trying..."

"But it will never be enough will it," Sam's voice taunted? "It will never be enough because you're the reason your daughter is dead."

"No...No, it wasn't my fault...I didn't know...I...how could I ever choose between my kids...a mother can't do that...a mother loves both her kids...I thought it was Matthew...I thought he was the one in danger but I...I was wrong...I'm so sorry baby girl...I'm so sorry."
She felt the pressure on her chest as she reached for one of her pills...they were supposed to ward off the nightmares as well as the anxiety... but they never did. When she opened her eyes, she could still see her little girl bleeding to death in her arms...the words of her stalker echoing in her head..."Choose which one of your children to save...if you choose wrong, one of them will die."

She did choose wrong...and now she was beginning to understand why...she had never known the person behind the black mask...until now...Sam had never intended to kill Matthew...he would have gunned down her little girl no matter what she did...so why was there still so much anxiety holding her back? Was Sam hurting her little boy too?

"One of these days, I am going to find you Sam Rappaport...and when I do...I will personally make sure you have a one way ticket to hell...you killed my daughter...you won't kill my son."

She was trembling when she finally pulled out her phone and called the one person in the world she had told everything to..."Viki, it's me...can you come get me?"

She hated to ask for help...and it cost her everything she had to make that phone call...but she was a little too distraught to drive tonight...it was better than the alternative.

Chapter Six

She wrung her hands in a nervous gesture when she turned to look at the two men in her life that she actually gave a damn about...her best friend and partner, who had always rescued her from the darkness and the man she knew she shouldn't but couldn't stop loving. She was afraid of sinking into the darkness that once swallowed her whole...but she also knew that lives could depend on what she did next. She couldn't tell them everything...she wouldn't tell them about the worst of it...but she could start with the questions they were asking.

"Lauren was my partner before John came into the picture...we were roommates...When I first joined the FBI, I was lonely and bitter and she saw through that...somehow she was able to break through my defenses and because of that, she's dead."

"You know that's not true," John said.

"John, she took me in when I had nowhere else to go...she was killed as a message to me. If I hadn't been living with her, she would still be alive."

"You don't know that anymore than I know that Caitlyn would still be alive if I had done things differently. I get guilt Nora. But you have to stop burying yourself in it."

"How do I do that when there is so much that I did wrong?"

Tears started to burn her cheeks and Bo knew instinctively that there was something she wasn't telling. "This isn't just about your best friend's death is it," he questioned?

"It's about the reason I'm on suspension...or at least I was until John intervened."

"Are you still blaming yourself for that too," John asked?

'How can I not John...I was plastered. I had no business being anywhere near a case that important. If I had been alert than that little girl...she would still be alive...and you...you never would have gotten shot. How can you even stand to look at me right now?"

"We all make mistakes Nora...I've made my share of them...Bo's made his too..."

He gave him a knowing look, both of them knowing he was referring to his decision to walk away from Nora.

"Damn right I did," Bo agreed.

"But neither of your mistakes cost an innocent child her life...cost your best friend to take her last breaths as she lie dying in your arms...how am I supposed to live with that kind of guilt? How?"

"I don't know Nora...but you need to try...I went to bat for you in this case...but you need to snap out of this trance you are in...I'm not saying get over it...I'm saying put it in the back of your mind until we catch this killer...I need your full focus to be on the mind of a madman...can you do that?"

She took a sip of the water that Bo handed her and sighed. "I can do it. Nobody wants to catch this guy more then me. You can count of me."

"I know I can," John said, as he pulled her into a tight hug. "You are my best friend okay...I care about what happens to you...don't let the darkness swallow you again."

"I won't," she said. "What's next?"

"Do you have any idea who might want to hurt you," Bo asked?

"You mean other then you," she asked, and then regretted it when she saw his expression? "Sorry, bad joke."

"At least your sense of humor is still in tact...most of the time."

She ignored his last comment and turned her attention on John..."There is only one person in this entire universe who hates me enough to start killing everyone close to me...the same person who started this game when he stole my son."

"Sam, " Bo and John said in unison.

"Yes, Sam...but good luck trying to find him...He's managed to stay under the radar for over ten years...I've been trying to find him since that day he took my child...I only came close once...and then I was arrested for attempting to kidnap my own child. All I wanted to do was see him...and he made sure I never got to. Do you know what it does to me to wonder how he is...where he is...if he misses me...I can't help but wonder what kind of lies Sam has told him...he probably hates me by now."

"We'll find him Nora...we will," Bo assured her.

"How," she asked? "How do we find him?"

"Have you forgotten who you are dealing with...The Buchanan's have a lot of pull here...I've never liked throwing my last name around before but I'll use that influence fir you..."

"You would do that for me," she asked?

"I would," he stated, as he walked to the phone. Nora just stood there dumbfounded. How could this be the same man who left her broken and alone a decade before? Just when she thought she had all the answers, life threw her another curveball.

"Who are you Bo Buchanan," she wondered aloud. "Are you this great man who is willing to jump through hoops for me...or are you that cold hearted bastard who broke my heart so completely? Why do you have to leave me so confused?"

"Haven't you learned by now that love never makes sense," John said with a knowing grin. She threw a file at him in frustration.

"Great to have you back Sparky, " he said, before walking out the door. She could have killed him for leaving her alone with Bo...and that damn perfect smile.

Colder Than Ice- Episode Two

Episode Two
Silence

She used to love those rare moments of complete stillness... except now they weren't so rare...now the silence simply made the thoughts in her head more vocal. She thought she was prepared for this...she had taken weeks to think it through...but sometimes even plans leave you numb.

She stared at the ceiling as she lay flat on her back on the bed in the hotel room...this too was just temporary. Everything in her life seemed to be temporary. She reached for the phone in the dead of night...she could have let it ring but what would be the point...she already knew who it was.

"What," she spoke brokenly into the phone, never finishing her sentence?

"I just think maybe...we should talk," he said.

"Bo, do you have any idea what time it is...I'm all talked out."

She didn't give him a chance to respond, she clicked the phone onto it's receiver and turned onto her side. She wished she could just will sleep to come but she knew she would only dream of him...She had never hated the silence so much in her life. The silence made her remember the moment when her husband turned into a stranger.

"You were never planning on coming home were you," she cried into the pillow? "Were you really that selfish that you had to hurt me just because you were hurting too? I wanted to help you Bo...but all you wanted was a way out...why couldn't you have just been a man and admitted that you didn't want to be married to me anymore. It would have hurt so much less than this."

Silence was a woman's loudest cry...and it was what rocked her to sleep in the lonely hotel room when she would reach for him...nobody would hear her pain behind these closed doors...only the silence...and silence wouldn't talk.

Colder Than Ice- Episode One

Written from Nora's Point Of View...Slightly AU in an attempt to fix the wrong created by JFP. It will be written in episode format instead of story format. 

Episode One

Painful Goodbyes

It was a day she never thought would come...a day that was unavoidable now. She stood at the top of the stairs with a bag draped around her shoulder. It was strange to think that there was so much she didn't need now. Tears still burned her eyes but she couldn't stay. He had crossed a line she couldn't stop thinking about. She brought him home from the hospital today. She sat through endless speeches about how lucky they were. She didn't feel lucky now. He was sitting in his chair with the blanket covering him and she ached. Every part of her ached. She loved this man and she always would...but she wouldn't settle for being his second choice. So much had happened to lead them to this point...so much bad. She needed to leave before she hurt herself on the broken pieces.

"Do you really have to leave," he asked her? She was standing in front of him but she was looking right through him. It hurt too much to allow herself the pain of getting lost in his eyes.

"You know that I have to. Do you think this easy for me Bo? It's not easy."

"And yet you are still doing it..."

"I'm doing what I have to do...just like you did..."

"So this is punishment for..."

"I'm not punishing you for anything...you did what you thought was right, despite my pleas for you to come home and be my husband. You were perfectly willing to leave me a widow...now I'm leaving you because I don't want to be anything but the person you would choose over every other choice. I'm sorry if that hurts you but...nothing could possibly hurt as much as you hurt me when you were trying to join your dead son."

"Please don't walk out that door...it was never as bad as you thought it was..."

"Sure it was Bo...you didn't come back for me...not even when I told you I was having your baby...a non existent baby by the way...I would have done anything to save your life but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. And when you were brought into that hospital half dead, I made a bargain...I promised myself that if you lived, I would make the choice I should have made when you left...I'm not leaving because I don't love you...I'm leaving because I can't stand to watch you destroy yourself and me because of some misguided belief that you could have prevented your son's death...damn it Bo...you are not God...and I'm sorry that you couldn't see that what would really help you was love...because I do love you...I will always love you. I just hope you learn to love yourself again before it's too late. Goodbye cowboy."

She stopped momentarily to lean down over the chair and kiss him one more time...the softness of his lips pressed against hers made her momentarily afraid of not being able to follow through...but she did...she was weak in the knees but she forced herself to stand tall and walk away...He had made his choice when he left her to go out in a storm that nearly took his life...when he left her to join his dead son...and now she was making her choice...she couldn't be married to a man who would rather be with his dead son then be with her...It hurt to leave but it hurt even more to stay. She didn't regret the choices she made to try and save him but she was thankful she hadn't made things worse by trying to give him a baby...to think she had almost betrayed him that way made her even sadder then she already was...

"I loved you enough not to try to give you a baby by betraying you...why couldn't you have loved me enough to come home for me."

She leaned her head against the door frame and felt his presence...tears fell from her face as she listened to the silent cries coming from the inside...the worst kind of pain was walking away from someone you still loved...walking away for you.

Silent No More-Chapter Five

Chapter Five

There was a uniquely familiar scent as he walked down the freshly cut grass that was near the bridge...it was the smell of rain. It wasn't something that could be explained to the untrained eye...but it was something they had always experienced together...rain made him think of her...rain made everything more beautiful. That was when he saw her standing on the edge of the bridge, looking down into the ravine. She looked so small to him then...so fragile...and she had never once been fragile.

"Nora," he called, and she turned around...her face frozen with unshed tears. "Nora, would you please talk to me? You don't have to do this. You don't have to think your life is hopeless."

She could hear the faint tone of his voice but she couldn't hear what he was saying...she was lost in a world of pain and loss. Bo understood loss too...she wouldn't deny him that. But it was different for him...it was different because he still had his family...he still had his job...things to keep him company when the grief overtook him...She didn't have any of that...her entire future was riding on whether she could find a killer and prove to the feds that she was still worth taking a chance on...

"Why do you care," she choked out? "I mean really Bo...you walked away...you just packed up and walked out on us without even trying...to you, I wasn't good enough to fight for..."

"Come on Nora...you're not being fair..."

"Fair...you want to talk to me about fair...Is it fair that I had to sit in a courtroom full of people who I used to consider my friends...I had to watch them sit there and say nothing while Sam and his team of warriors painted me out to be some kind of monster...as if I would ever hurt my own child...I lost my son Bo...is that fair? Is it fair that we lost each other? You wouldn't even speak to me...and you never tried to stop me when I couldn't stay in town...you never picked up the phone to try and find me...It's as if I don't exist in your world anymore...as if we don't exist... and then one day I pick up a newspaper and I read all about your impending marriages...you don't think that maybe that would warrant some kind of warning...or do you really hate me so much that you think I deserved to be blindsided that way? "

"Nora, I don't hate you."

"You could have fooled me."

"What's this really about Nora...I know there's something."

"You think I'm going to trust you to tell you what that is...why should I trust you when you shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces?"

"You said you wanted me to come after you...what if I'm doing that now?"

"Your too late Bo...ten years too late...I don't have anything left to give you...you took it all...and Sam took what was left when he ripped my child out of my arms."

She rested her palms on the edge of the bridge as she looked down...she could feel him getting closer but she didn't dare let him know. It was then that the unshed tears tricked down her face.

"Do you know how easy it would be for me to just step off the ledge...I could be free then...free from all the pain that was holding me prisoner...I almost did it before you know? Except then it was with pills...If Viki hadn't called me when she did, I would either be dead or in an irreversible coma...She was the only one who still gave a damn about me after we ended...I guess it's true what they say...hard times bring out your true friends and reveal the fake ones."

Bo's voice was as choked up as hers when he finally spoke. "You tried to kill yourself," he questioned?

"I know it doesn't make sense to you...the woman you knew valued life...she embraced it...but Bo, I wasn't the same woman you knew...I was so depressed that I just didn't think I could get up anymore. I used to rise above the heartache. You could knock me down but I would always rise. I didn't want to rise anymore. I just wanted to stay there and forget. I know that you understand that kind of hopelessness because you felt the same when Drew died...but for me...for me I think it's almost worse. See as hard as it was for you to lose your son...you got that closure...you had a body to say goodbye to...you could mourn...and you didn't spend your days wondering if someday he would walk back into your life...that's the hardest part Bo...How do you say goodbye to a child that is still alive but you will never know...I have been spending these agonizing years trying to find a way to put my child behind me because I have been forced to live as if he was dead...But I don't get that closure Bo...I can't have a memorial...I can't lay him to rest...I don't get to mourn for him...he's growing up without me and I don't get to be a part of his life...I'm not allowed to see him, love him or even say goodbye...It's as if he doesn't exist."

"He existed Nora...he existed to you...and nobody can take that away from you."

"So how do I fill that hole where my child used to be...how do I go on living without him when I just want to close my eyes and never wake up?"

"Is that really how you feel? Do you really feel like your life is that insignificant?"

"Sometimes...sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me...sometimes I wonder if anyone would even miss me."

"I would."

"You would what?"

"Miss you...You don't know how lonely my life has been since you've been gone."

"You are the one who wanted it that way...not me."

"I didn't want you to just up and leave."
"Well then what did you want? You didn’t want to be married to me anymore. You didn’t want to be my friend. What did you expect me to do? Did you want me to stay in town and be used as an emotional punching bag because I’m sorry Bo but not even you are worth that? You treated Criminals better then you treated me. And I didn’t want to stick around and watch the train wreck. 

"What do you mean?"

"How can you honestly be this dense? Did you think I liked hearing about your playboy life? You brought more women into your bed then I did shoes. You really think I wanted to watch knowing that it wasn't so long ago that it was just you and me...Did you think I was so desperate for your attention that I would willingly put myself through anyof that? It hurt Bo...loving you hurt more than anything I ever went through...because still loving you after you left me meant you had the power to break me...and you did...when you almost married Lindsay...She was the worst of all...When you almost married her, you might as well of stuck a knife through my heart because that’s what it felt like. Does it feel good Bo…? Does it feel good to know that you finally got your revenge? That you finally did the one thing you knew would destroy me.

" Do you really think I wanted to hurt you? "

" Didn’t you? "

"No… For Gods sake Nora, I wasn’t looking for any kind of revenge. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. The last thing in this world I would ever want to do is hurt you.

"Then I'd hate to know what you would do if you were trying to...it felt like dying when you weren't trying."

"You and I aren’t even…."

"Aren’t what Bo? I can’t even give a name for what we are? I can tell you what were not? We’re not married, we’re not lovers, we’re not even friends anymore. So what exactly are we Bo? "

He wished he could give her what she wanted...he didn't know any more then she did...he had been trying to find answers for as long as she had...but apparently neither of them had found them.

"Why do we need to be limited with labels Nora...we never needed them before."

"This isn't like the last time Bo...I won't allow you to feed me some line that is full of cockamamie bullshit. You won't snow me this time...You can't when I don't trust a single word you say."

"You've really hardened your heart Nora...isn't it lonely when you don't trust anyone?"

"It was lonelier when I expected things to be different. I don't expect anything from you now. You won't hurt me again."

He watched her walk away and his heart ached for her...it didn't matter what she said...he knew better than to think she was unaffected. There was some kind of heartache that was buried deeply in her psych...something far more painful then the end of their marriage...something that had convinced her that love wasn't possible...He didn't know if it was her abusive relationship with the cop...or if it was something far greater...but he would find out...he had to. The only thing he wouldn't do is watch her sink even further then she already had.

He picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.

"I need to see you as soon as possible. It's a matter of life and death. I'll be in touch."

++++

Nora was sitting in his office with a cup of chamomile tea when he walked in early the next day. John was sitting behind the desk.

"Since when do you drink tea," Bo asked?

"Since I need to calm my nerves...not that its any of your business."

"Okay lets all just calm down...we need to come up with a game plan before there is another murder."

"What do you mean another John," Nora asked? "I thought this guy had only succeeded in stalking so far?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about...You remember your roommate's death?"

She dropped the cup and her face turned deathly white....John immediately went to her and stopped her from picking up the pieces.

"Nora stop...I know what this is doing to you and I need you to be alert. You are our best shot at catching this maniac."

"He...he did this...he was responsible for...that."

"We think he was."

He paused as he helped her into the seat. "Sit down Nora...you need to breathe."

"What's going on here," Bo asked? Nora was in the middle of a full fledged panic attack so John spoke.

"I'm only telling you this because it relates to the case...Nora's roommate...one of her best friends in Chicago...well she was gunned down right in front of her...She died in her arms."

"I...I can't breathe," Nora gasped, and Bo handed her a paper bag. "Use this sweetie...you can do it...just breathe."

What she wasn't telling either of them was that it hadn't just been her roommate that had died...she had suffered far more then just that back in Chicago...and if they were connected...Murder flashed in her eyes as she looked at John.

"We need to find that SOB and make him pay."

"Does that mean you'll tell me everything you know," John asked?

Could she really do this...could she really tell him everything?"

"I'll try," she said.

It would be the hardest thing she ever had to do but she would try...for all she had suffered...for all she had lost...she would try. It was the best she could offer.